Who Took Tom Brady's Jersey?

The game is long over, the Patriots have even flown back to New England to have their celebratory parade in Boston but Super Bowl LI is still making headlines. That’s because Tom Brady’s game worn jersey, that was stolen from the Patriots locker room after their victory, has not yet been found.

Yahoo! Sports’ Charles Robinson has done some investigating over the last few days and determined that there was, according to a constructed timeline, a 15-minute window where the jersey could have been stolen. That’s 15-minutes from when Brady took his jersey off, put it in a personal bag and then returned to the locker room to discover that the jersey was missing from said personal bag. He then alerted team officials of the suspected theft.

Three days later, there aren’t that many leads but everyone is wondering, who took Tom Brady’s jersey?

Theft Theory #1 – We will start with the most obvious of culprits, Roger Stokoe Goodell. The NFL Commissioner has been dragged through the mud this season, facing backlash and criticism from New England fans about his treatment of Tom Brady and Deflategate. To make matters worse, Goodell then had to watch New England cruise to another Super Bowl and pull off one of the greatest comebacks in Super Bowl history. He then had to present Robert Kraft, New England’s owner, with the Lombardi Trophy, as the entire country showered him with “boos”. That was the last straw. After the trophy ceremony, Goodell sent an intern into the Patriots’ locker room to steal the jersey and has been trying to make a Tom Brady voodoo doll ever since.

Theft Theory #2 – Even if Tom Brady had lost Sunday’s Super Bowl, he still wins in life. He is one of the most decorated athletes of all-time and gets to go home to a Brazilian super model wife every day. What is Brady’s gain though is someone else’s loss and in a scene out of Scott Pilgram vs. the World, all of Gisele Bundchen’s ex-boyfriends had plotted to try to sabotage Brady’s fifth Super Bowl victory. American model Scott Barnhill, Brazilian businessman Joao Paulo Diniz and actor Josh Harnett thought of the plot and dragged Leonardo DiCaprio and Kelly Slater along for the ride. Leo and Slater have moved on with their lives but Barnhill, Paulo Diniz and Harnett are still fighting for the one that got away.

Theft Theory #3 – Rob Gronkowski might not be the sharpest tool in the shed but he can at least plan a few days in advance. Gronkowski knew that he was going to be in full party mode at the Patriots’ Tuesday victory parade and he knows that full party mode means pouring beer all over himself. Gronk knew he was going to need a backup shirt for parade day and just happened to grab Brady’s game-worn jersey. Easy mistake for Gronk, New England will certainly forgive their favorite All-Pro frat boy. 

Theft Theory #4 – Thanks to a Deflategate suspension for Brady, Jimmy Garoppolo started the first three games of the Patriots’ season. The backup understands he’s behind one of the all-time greats on the depth chart but has felt slighted since September. He hasn’t been getting called into team meetings, Bill Belicheck doesn’t even acknowledge him when they pass each other in the hallway and Garappolo hasn’t taken a practice snap since Week 5. To make the practice time pass, Garoppolo has been binge watching seasons of Survivor and when trade rumors about a potential move to Cleveland started to circulate, Garappolo knew he had to find a hidden immunity idol. He finally caught Brady asleep at the wheel after the Super Bowl win but little does Garappolo know, Belicheck saw this move coming from a mile away and already has his tribal counsel blindside planned for next year’s Browns starting quarterback.

Theft Theory #5 – While Jimmy Garappolo thinks that Tom Brady’s jersey is a hidden immunity idol, the rest of the NFL thinks that Tom Brady’s jersey is one of Brady’s seven Horcruxes. What is a “Horcrux” you may ask? A Horcrux is an object in which a dark wizard has hidden a fragment of his soul for the purpose of attaining immortality. The kicker though, is that Horcruxes can only be created after committing murder, the supreme act of evil. Since Eli Manning is the only player in NFL history that has figured out to beat Brady when it matters, Manning was selected by the NFL Players Association to steal the jersey and attempt to destroy the Horcrux. Unfortunately, because of Brady’s acts of evil on Drew Bledsoe, Kurt Warner, the “Legion of Boom”, the AFC East, the city of Atlanta and Roger Goodell, there are still six Horcruxes hidden throughout the NFL and Brady will remain immortal.